Aquapets to the rescue!
Noelle had a very particular Christmas list this year: all the usual, expected items, including Barbies (blech) and art supplies and books and stuffed animals, plus as many Aquapets as Santa could stuff into a stocking. Not familiar with Aquapets? They're these little characters who live in tubes of water and make vaguely alien-creature-like sounds, each character having its own sound. The more Aquapets you stuff into a small place, the crazier they go with their squeals and shrieks and giggles. They talk to each other.
Being the wonderful older sister that I am (after all, I got the 23-year-old a Kate Spade bag for Christmas), I procured a bunch of these water alien things for Noelle for the holiday. They come in pyramid-shaped boxes covered with instructions for the adoptive parent-child to stroke, caress, and otherwise lavish affection and attention upon her Aquapet.
So you get these Aquapets, which are apparently all the rage with teenagers in Japan*, and you give them to the seven-year-olds you know, and they're all really excited, and then you open the box, and out of each box you pull an alien-creature that lives in what can only be described as a giant penis. The Aquapet lives in a long tube filled with water, with two testicular bumps at its base that the child needs to manipulate and caress in order to excite the Aquapet in the tube. And so the seven-year-old you know is delighted and sets right to work on all four of her new Aquapets, and meanwhile you're looking on in horror as you realize that you've just given your little sister four squealing dildos for Christmas.
*"which are apparently all the rage with teenagers in Japan" == how you can tell that I'm getting old